


delirimas chrisnasty

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-13
Updated: 2013-01-13
Packaged: 2017-11-25 08:19:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/636938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the gang celebrate a meteor christmas</p>
<p>what are text colours</p>
            </blockquote>





	delirimas chrisnasty

D: merry christmas yo

R: Dave! Where have you been? We all know it isn't Christmas without the gentleman in red.

R: Wait. Let me guess.

R: You were concocting an ironic holiday rap so moving in its subtleties that, overcome by Christmas spirit, you entered an ecstatic Yuletide trance like that the Buddha might have fallen into had he rested under pine instead of banyan. Borne aloft upon a tide of jollity, mind numb to all stimuli but that of the season, you quite forgot about our little celebration.

D: yep

D: got it in one

D: im calling it delirimas chrisnasty

R: From whence this inspiration divine?

R: You are a font of poetry, dear brother.

D: its true my rhymes always get wicked hot round this time of year

D: actually real answer ive been working up one as a christmas present

D: sorry im late cant rush a fresh beat though

D: you ready to hear this

K: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

K: NO.

K: I'M NOT ALLOWING THIS NOOKWHIFFLING FELCHMONSTER TO DESPOIL THIS MOST SACRED OF TWELFTH PERIGEE'S EVE TRADITIONS. IT'S OUT OF THE QUESTION.

D: whoa there shorty those are some big words youre dropping

D: who let this guy get his hands on a thesaurus

D: better own up rose who it definitely was

R: Don't look at me. I'm staying well out of this entire business.

D: come on who else but you would know without thinking the precise location of every word compilation in the building

D: you were practically raised on the damn things

D: synonyms instead of mothers milk

R: It's true that my affinity for the written word verges at times on the uncanny. However, with regards to the mystery of Karkat's newly expanded vocabulary, I can only plead innocent.

R: It was probably Gamzee.

G: seems motherfucking unlikely

G: THERE'S ONLY ONE MOTHERFUCKING CURSE WORD I'LL EVER MOTHERFUCKING NEED

G: it is the sacred motherfucking swear and all else pales in comparison to its motherfucking glory

G: AMEN MOTHERFUCKER

D: yeah

D: so

D: cant help but notice that guys here

D: whats that about

D: couldnt you just set up a little tree in the vent

D: maybe get yourself a nice big jar of crazy pills

K: YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU WORTHLESS GLOB OF BEASTMUCUS.

K: IT'S FUCKING TWELFTH PERIGEES EVE AND I AM ENTITLED TO INVITE MY FUCKING MOIRAIL.

K: THIS IS THE TIME OF FUCKING YEAR WHEN WE CELEBRATE FUCKING FRIENDSHIP AND SHOW EACH OTHER A LITTLE BIT OF MUTUAL FUCKING RESPECT

K: AND I WILL NOT HAVE THAT UNDERMINED BY SOME ODIOUS FLECK OF EXCREMENT THAT'S FOR FAR TOO LONG CLUNG TO THIS METEOR LIKE A TURD TO THE BOTTOM OF A BRAND NEW SHOE.

D: maybe take a deep breath dude you are starting to hyperventilate and i havent even gotten into my rap yet

K: YOU'RE NOT RAPPING. NO-ONE IS RAPPING. RAPPING IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED BY THE TWELFTH PERIGEES CODE.

R: Much as it pains me to say it, Dave, I think he might be right.

R: The only thing any of us should be rapping this evening... is presents!

D: yo karkat can we take a time out from our feud for just a second to acknowledge that that was the worst shit either of us has ever heard

K: AGREED.

R: You're all no fun.

T: 1 THOUGHT 1T W4S R34LLY FUNNY

R: You're perhaps too much fun.

R: If I may be so bold as to ask, what are you doing to that poor decoration?

T: 1SNT TH1S 4N 4PPL3

R: No.

T: 1TS R3D L1K3 4N 4PPL3

T: 4ND 1TS ROUND L1K3 4N 4PPL3

T: 1 THOUGHT SOM3ON3 H4D F1GUR3D OUT HOW TO 4LCH3M1Z3 4PPL3S

R: It's made of glass.

T: SO 1F 1 B1T3 1NTO 1T

R: Christmas will be ruined, yes.

T: 4W

T: OK4Y

T: 1LL JUST K33P ON L1CK1NG TH3N

R: Creepy but harmless.

R: I wasn't joking about the presents, by the way. Dave, I was able to whip you up a little something. It's not much, but I hope it will suffice.

D: whoa

D: holy shit

D: is this for real

R: It is “for real”, yes. It's as real as they come. Or at least as real as anything formed by combining with a mystical apparatus numerical codes that are essentially gaming abstractions can be.

R: Do you like it?

D: rose

D: i love this in a way that any rational person would consider indecent

D: i want to stalk it online and arrange to accidentally run into it at unexpected locations

D: i want to follow it home and steal a lock of its hair from its bathroom sink to treasure in my shrine

D: my affection for this device is entirely unhealthy

D: so i actually

D: when i do a kickflip

R: It will make a sweet record scratch sound, yes.

R: And that's not all.

R: Lick the board.

D: are you serious

R: I never aren't serious. Give it a lick.

T: C4N 1

D: step off girl this four wheeled device is exclusive licking property of david t strider

D: the t stands for teen style

D: let me just

D: …

D: rose

D: you beautiful wizard

D: this tastes exactly like nacho cheese doritos

R: I consider it my finest creation.

T: L3T M3 L3T M3

D: wait your turn im not done yet

T: 1 W4NT 1T G1V3 1T TO M3

D: what part of private property do you people not understand

D: i dont want your nasty ass tongue germs all over my precious foot plank

T: NO 1 MUST 3XP3R13NC3 TH3 CHR1STM4S N4NCHO P4RTY FOR MYS3LF

T: 1 C4N SM3LL 1T FROM H3R3 D4V3 TH3 BOUQ3UT 1S UNB34R4BLY T4NT4L1S1NG

D: let go of it

T: SH4NT

D: let go

T: W1LL NOT 3V3R

D: rose please tell me terezis christmas present is a bucket of cold water to throw over her

D: wait shit i forgot about the bucket thing

T: D4V3 TH4T 1S TH3 MOST 4BSOLUT3LY IND3C3NT SUGGST1ON 1 H4V3 3V3R H34RD 1N 4LL MY YOUNG L1F3

T: ON TW3LFTH P3R1G33S 3V3! W1TH YOUR OWN S1ST3R! NOT TH4T 1 H4V3 4NY R34L 1D34 WH4T 4 S1ST3R 1S BUT 1F 1 D1D 1 F33L QU1T3 SUR3 1 WOULD B3 R3PULS3D BY 1T

K: SHE'S RIGHT DUDE THAT'S A PRETTY FUCKED UP THING TO SAY.

K: MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY SHOWING SOME RESPECT FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S CULTURES? IN THE SPACE OF FIVE MINUTES YOU'VE MANAGED TO REQUEST THAT ONE OF YOUR SO-CALLED FRIENDS PERFORM A TRULY DISGUSTING REPRODUCTIVE ACT AND MORTALLY OFFEND ANOTHER BY SUGGESTING THAT HE EXPEL HIS OWN MOIRAIL, PERHAPS THE CLOSEST EMOTIONAL BOND HE HAS IN THE WORLD, FROM THE SINGLE MOST SACRED HOLIDAY TO OCCUR IN HIS CALENDAR.

K: YOU'RE REALLY KIND OF A HORRIBLE PERSON. JUST SO YOU KNOW.

D: its cute that you think youre my friend

D: anyway whose next for presents

K: If No-One Objects I Have A Little Something I Would Like To Give To

K: WE'RE NOT DOING ANY MORE PRESENTS. THE SHARING OF MATERIAL GOODS IS A NONSENSICAL HUMAN CUSTOM THAT I CAN ONLY ASSUME HAS ITS ROOTS IN SOME PRIMITIVE TRIBE'S ATTEMPTS TO LULL A RIVAL GANG OF MONKEYS INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY.

K: WHAT WE'RE GOING TO ENGAGE IN NOW IS A FAR MORE RATIONAL AND, DARE I SAY IT, WONDERFUL TRADITION. THE SINGLE HAPPIEST ELEMENT OF THE SINGLE HAPPIEST EVENING OF THE YEAR.

K: WHO'S READY FOR THE MOVIE.

G: right on, motherfucker

G: LET'S GET THIS MOTHERFUCKING CINEMATIC SPECTACULAR MOTHERFUCKING STARTED

G: i'll get some motherfucking popcorn, yo

D: wait theres a movie

R: Apparently? This is the first I've heard of it.

K: Yes I Thought We Were All Going To Gather Round The Fireplace And Exchange Wrapped Tokens Of Affection

K: As A Matter Of Fact I Have One Right Here For

K: OF COURSE THERE'S A FUCKING MOVIE. WHAT WOULD PERIGEES EVE BE WITHOUT A FUCKING MOVIE. WHAT WOULD EVEN BE THE FUCKING POINT.

K: ADMITTEDLY I NEGLECTED TO MENTION THAT IN MY INVITATIONS FOR THE VERY SIMPLE REASON THAT YOU PHILISTINES WOULD ALL HAVE REFUSED TO TURN UP BUT NOW WE'RE ALL HERE AND WE'RE WATCHING THE MOVIE. IT'S TOO LATE. THERE'S NO ESCAPING IT.

D: philistines

D: rose there is no way you didnt have a hand in this

R: I plead the fifth.

K: SHUT THE FUCK UP. THERE WILL BE NO TALKING DURING THE MOVIE.

K: WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS IS ONE OF THE GREATEST MASTERPIECES OF ALTERNIAN CINEMA AND EVEN THE SLIGHTEST PEEP OUT OF ONE OF YOUR YAPPING HUMAN SPITBOXES WOULD IRREVOCABLY SPOIL THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE.

D: is it die hard

K: IT'S NOT “DIE HARD.” WHAT THE FUCK IS A “DIE HARD”.

K: THIS IS PERHAPS THE SINGLE GREATEST HOLIDAY FILM OF ALL TIME. CHRISTMAS AND PERIGEES ALIKE.

D: so its die hard

R: He does have a point.

K: NEITHER OF YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SAY EITHER THE WORD “DIE” OR THE WORD “HARD” AT ANY POINT DURING THE EVENING. YOU HAVE HAD BOTH THOSE PRIVILEGES REVOKED. HOW'S THAT FOR A DIE HARD.

R: Sounds like a challenge.

D: gee if only we had access to a thesaurus

D: you wouldnt happen to know where one of those might be now would you rose

R: I haven't the foggiest.

D: thats okay

D: see

D: i have a sneaking suspicion there might be something of the sort right here concealed beneath this colourful paper

D: cant be sure though

D: do you want to do experiments to find out

R: Dave, you shouldn't have.

D: its christmas

D: so

D: actually i should have

D: what a ridiculous thing to say

R: I have to tell you, though, I do already possess a number of thesauri, and I don't know if...

R: Wait.

R: “The Empress' Official Compendium of Alien Vocabulary”? “A Brief Guide To The Languages Of The Universe, With Special Attention Paid To Esoterica”?

R: Where did you find this?

D: just sort of lying around

D: wasnt one of the trolls the heiress or something i think it might have been hers

R: Dave. Dave. This is incredible.

R: Dave. I. I can't even talk. My mouth has stopped working properly.

D: all totally useless now of course pretty sure all those species are long since dead and gone

D: completely abstract knowledge with no function other than to be sort of linguistically interesting

D: i dunno maybe it was too weird and offkilter i could put it back where i found it and figure out another

d: ...

D: rose

R: Did you know that the the Frog-Men of Kvarnak communicated solely in rhythmic hops, and their word for “flee in terror! aliens are invading!” was the same as actually doing it?

R: Isn't that just fascinating?

D: yeah

D: fascinating is what that is alright

D: so you like it

R: I “mkryoum!kh” it.  
R: That's the word for “like” used by the avian tribes of Polpin Eight, though it can also mean up to one thousand other things depending on time of day, weather, lay of the land, social rank of the speaker and whether or not he is currently burning to death in an atomic holocaust.

R: I could quite easily go on like this all day!

D: so whats this movie about then

K: I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED.

K: REALLY. I'M ALL CHOKED UP WITH ECSTASY. OR BILE? MAYBE THATS BILE.

K: AS I WAS SAYING, THIS IS PERHAPS THE GREATEST PERIGEES FILM EVER MADE. IT IS A BRILLIANT EXAMINATION OF THE COMPLEX SOCIAL DYNAMICS THAT UNFOLD BETWEEN A LOOSELY RELATED GROUP OF TROLLS, ALL REVOLVING AROUND A SINGLE MOMENT IN TIME AT WHICH THEY ALL COME TOGETHER TO CELEBRATE THE SEASON. FOR PIERCING INSIGHT INTO TROLL NATURE IT IS UNMATCHED.

D: so its a shitty romantic comedy then

K: THATS NOT WHAT I SAID

D: it is exactly what you said

G: WHY YOU GOT TO HARSH A MOTHERFUCKING BUZZ, BRO

G: can't you let a fellow get his motherfucking perigee spirit on

G: WE'RE ALL GOING TO PERISH ANYWAY IN THE DARKNESS BETWEEN THE MOTHERFUCKING STARS

G: might as well sing a happy motherfucking song while we wait for the morbid motherfucking festival to claim us

D: yeah

D: thats good

D: the kind of thing i know exactly how to respond to

R: Perhaps the ritual greeting of the sentient gas clouds of the Andreykos Cluster might prove useful? I could probably emulate it if you have a wet wineglass.

D: cool you get to work on that i got to go pull terezi off my skateboard

T: 1TS SO D3L1C1OUS

T: C4N TH1S B3 MY CHR1STM4S PR3S3NT 4ND ROS3 C4N G3T YOU 4 D1FF3R3NT CH1STM4S PR3S3NT

D: no but i guess i could alchemize you up a packet of doritos if youre really desperate

T: TH3 OR4NG3 TONGU3 S3NS4T1ON C4NNOT B3 1MPR1SON3D W1TH1N YOUR PUNY HUM4N P4CK3TS

T: 1TS TOO POW3RFUL

T: 1T W4NTS TO B3 FR33 D4V3

T: FR33 TO 3RUPT 4CROSS MY T4ST3BUDS 1N 4 D14BOL1C4L G3YS3R OF POWD3RY CH33S3

T: 1N C4S3 1T W4SNT CL34R YOUR3 HUM4N DOR1TOS 4R3 BLOW1NG MY M1ND D4V3

D: thats cool i have access to future technology and can probably secure you a steady supply

D: consider it a christmas present i guess

T: D4V3 YOU 4R3 TH3 CLOS3ST FR13ND 1 H4V3 3V3R H4D

D: did you get all fucked up on sugar cookies before you came here

T: Y3S

K: Um

K: Rose

K: If Its Not Too Much Trouble

K: While Were On The Subject Of Presents I Actually Have Prepared You A Little Something

K: If Thats Not Too Presumptuous Of Me

K: Oh God Its Too Presumptuous Isnt It This Is Clearly In Violation Of Some All Important Human Custom

K: Please Dont Take Offence Rose Im New To All These Christmas Rituals And I Just Thought It Might Be Nice To Try Them Out

K: Ive Wrapped It Up Like I Know Youre Supposed To And Theres Even A Little Bow On Top That I Made

K: Is That Okay

K: The Bow Isnt Some Kind Of Deadly Insult Is It

K: I Dont Mean To Mock You Or Anything Im Just Trying To Get The Hang Of Your Human Ways

K: You See To Be Honest I Find Them Quite Charming And If Its Not To Much To Ask Id Like You To Do Me The Honour Of Accepting this Little Gift

K: …

K: Rose

R: Oh! Sorry, Kanaya, did you say something? I was completely absorbed.

R: Your galaxy really was fascinating, even after your people brutally conquered it.

K: Yes

K: I Suppose It Probably Was

K: I Never Saw Very Much Of It What With The Apocalypse And All

K: But Actually What I Wanted To Say To You Was

K: EVERYONE SIT THE FUCK UP AND SHUT THE FUCK DOWN.

K: I MEAN EXACTLY WHAT I SAID. EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK DOWN WHATEVER BULLSHIT IT IS YOU'RE DOING AND SIT THE FUCK UP AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE SCREEN.

K: IT'S MOVIE TIME.

 

-

 

D: okay

D: so whats going on

D: whos this guy again

K: WE'RE FIVE MINUTES IN YOU FUCKING IMBECILE, I KNOW YOU CAN'T HELP YOUR OWN SLAVERING MORONITY BUT COULD YOU AT LEAST TRY TO PREVENT IT FROM RUINING EVERYONE ELSE'S EVENING

K: IT'S LIKE YOU'RE CONSTANTLY SOILING YOURSELF AND FORCING EVERYONE ELSE TO STOP WHAT THEY'RE DOING IN ORDER TO CLEAN IT UP

K: I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE TO BE SOMEONE WHO GENUINELY CARES ABOUT YOU. THAT MUST BE SO AWFUL.

R: He's right, you know. It's really not that hard to follow.

D: i cant even remember the damn name

D: its a doozy even by absurd troll standards

K: THIS FILM HAPPENS TO POSSESS ONE OF THE TOP TEN LONGEST NAMES IN ALL OF TROLL CINEMA. A SUREFIRE SIGN OF QUALITY IF YOU ASK ME. CLEARLY INDICATIVE OF THE BRILLIANT COMPLEXITY OF THE NARRATIVE.

D: why would anyone ask you anything ever

D: i cant fucking stand these super complicated troll movies

D: theres always like a million characters and somehow youre supposed to remember all their names and how each one relates to each other one

D: no wonder youre all color coded how else would anyone keep track of you

D: and then theres the insanely convoluted storylines and plot twists that come out of nowhere at a rate of like ten a second

D: so fucking dumb

D: like oh man it turns out this guy is actually this guy and this other guy is actually evil but secretly he was a puppet of this guy and i mean like a literal puppet and then they were all been manipulated by this third chick but its okay because they develop new mystical powers whenever the plot demands it and then they all die and come back to life and then everything blows up

D: not to mention all the horrible cloying meta bullshit

D: so heavy handed

D: and the more selfaware it gets the less funny it is

D: like why do a joke and then point out how the joke wasnt funny like that somehow makes it okay youre a shitty comedian

D: why not just tell a better joke in the first place

D: sheer fucking laziness thats what it is

K: YES, WHY WOULD ANYONE ASK ME A QUESTION WHEN THEY COULD TURN TO YOU, DAVE STRIDER, SELF-APPOINTED AUTHORITY ON THE GREATEST ARTFORM OF A CULTURE YOU POSSESS A PRACTICALLY NEGATIVE UNDERSTANDING OF. THE MIND IS FUCKING BOGGLED.

K: WHILE WE'RE REWINDING TO CATCH UP WITH ALL THE BITS WE MISSED WHILE YOU WERE GOING ON YOUR HILARIOUS LITTLE COMEDY RANT, WHICH BY THE WAY WAS ABOUT AS AMUSING AS LOOKING INTO A MIRROR AND SEEING ONLY DULL EMPTINESS WHERE A VIBRANT TROLL SPIRIT SHOULD BE, I WILL TELL YOU THE NAME OF THE MOVIE.

K: IT'S COMMONLY REFERRED TO AS “HATE ACTUALLY”.

K: AFTER THE LAST LINE OF THE TITLE, WHICH IS “THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING TO FALL IN LOVE, BUT THEY FELL IN HATE, ACTUALLY.” WE OFTEN SHORTEN TITLES LIKE THAT. I'LL ADMIT THE LENGTH CAN BE INCONVENIENT IN CASUAL CONVERSATION.

R: Wait, I think I know this one.

R: Does it have Hugh Grant in it?

K: WHO? REMEMBER I HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT ANY OF YOUR PATHETIC HUMAN CELEBRITIES.

R: Sorry. Troll Hugh Grant.

K: OH YEAH, HIM.

K: YEAH, HE'S REALLY GOOD, I LIKE HIM. HE PLAYS THE HARRIED GOVERNOR OF A COLONY PLANET VITAL TO THE WAR EFFORT WHO UNINTENTIONALLY FALLS FOR AN UNDERLING. AWARE THAT HIS FEELINGS MIGHT JEAPORDIZE THE STABILITY OF THE EMPIRE, HE HAS HER CULLED AND CONTINUES ABOUT HIS BUSINESS.

K: A TEAR COMES TO MY EYE EVERY TIME, I DON'T MIND TELLING YOU.

K: I Dont Think Ive Seen This One

K: YOU'LL LIKE IT. I CAN TELL BECAUSE YOU ARE A BASICALLY DECENT PERSON.

T: K4RK4T TH1S MOV13 1S T3RR1BL3

K: WHAT. WHAT DON'T YOU LIKE ABOUT IT. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

K: ARE YOU A CRAZY PERSON. MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO AND LIE DOWN IN YOUR ROOM FOR A WHILE. HOW ABOUT FOREVER. HOW ABOUT THAT.

T: 1TS FULL OF STUP1D 4ND T3RR1BL3 TH1NGS H4PP3N1NG

T: 4LL OF TH3S3 P3OPL3 4R3 R34LLY B4D 4T R3L4T1ONSH1PS

T: 4ND D4V3 1S R1GHT. TH3 PLOT M4K3S NO S3NS3 4T 4LL.

T: NOT 3V3N BY R1D1CULOUS TROLL ST4ND4RDS!

R: I really don't think it's that complicated.

K: SEE, AT LEAST ONE OF YOU POSSESSES A MODICUM OF FUCKING TASTE.

R: Despite my better judgement, and loath as I am to admit that Karkat is ever right about anything, I have to say I'm rather enjoying it. Here, I'll explain it.

R: The blue fellow with the tall horns has an unrequited loathing for troll Keira Knightley, but her antiaffections are all focused on the person of the Grand Threshecutioner's legal assistant. Desperate to win her spite, he comes up with a brilliant plan to sabotage her future career by killing off her boss's cat and pinning the blame on her. He is aided in this by his loveable yellowblood moirail who unbeknowst to him harbours certain flushed yearnings and seeks to make them a reality by surprising him with a heartfelt proposal and half-a-dozen roses, a plan which is hilariously thwarted by chance at every opportunity. Meanwhile, the Grand Threshecutioner pursues a torrid romance with an enemy commander that each of them is aware can only with the death of one or the other. Desperate to avoid this outcome, he forms an alliance with one of troll Keira Knightley's auspitices to trade identities for a day in order to -

D: okay im calling a timeout

D: you can continue this later preferably when im not in the room

D: who wants snacks

T: M3 PL34S3 1 W4NT SN4CKS

D: besides terezi

T: M3 TOO 1 W1LL 4LSO H4V3 SN4CKS PL34S3

D: okay thats snacks for terezi and terezi anyone else down

T: 1 W1LL 4LSO H4V3 SOM3 SN4CKS PL34S3 1F 1TS NOT TOO MUCH TROUBL3

D: cool

D: snacks for three

D: and with that were out of snacks sorry everyone who missed out

T: 4WW BUT 1 W4NT3D SN4CKS

D: well youll just have to wait your turn

K: Do We Have Any Of Those Little Bacon Roll Thingies That Come On Toothpicks

D: dunno

D: probably

D: i can do bacon does anyone know the magic word for toothpick

R: You know, I remember a time when someone would have to slave for hours over a burning stove in order to prepare a sumptuous Christmas dinner.

R: Hypothetically, I mean. If they'd been sober.

R: At a time like this I think it's nice for us to all stop and consider how lucky we are.

K: YOU MEAN WHAT WITH THE ABSOLUTE AND IRREVOCABLE DESTRUCTION OF OUR PLANETS AND THE DEATH OF EVERYONE WE'VE EVER KNOWN AND LOVED?

R: I have everyone I know and love right here.

R: Expect for John and Jade, of course. But I have faith they're celebrating the holiday in their own way, be it ever so unimaginably far away from here, and they're thinking of us just as we are thinking of them. Which brings us all just that little bit closer together.

R: It really is at times like this that I think about how fortunate I've been.

R: And in honour of the bond we all share I have something I'd like to present to a certain very special individual.

R: Kanaya, we got off to a rough start, but as my patron troll you've always been there for me when I needed someone's help. Even when I pretended that I didn't.

R: I've come to consider you one of my very closest friends and perhaps the single kindest, sweetest, most genuine individual I've ever met. You have the patience of a saint, the wisdom of a sage and the courage of a true hero.

R: Also the speed and strength of a space vampire, which you are.

R: I just thought I'd do something to show you how much I appreciate all that.

K: Rose I

K: I Dont Even Know What To Say

K: How Did You Make The Wool Glow Like That

R: I alchemized it with some of the spare uranium, but I ran a geiger counter over it afterwards and I'm fairly certain it's not radioactive.

R: I thought it would match your eyes.

R: Do you like it?

K: Its Beautiful

K: Im Going To Wrap It Around My Neck And Wear It Forever And Ever

K: DAVE ARE YOU CRYING?

K: OH MY GOD HE'S CRYING. EVERYONE STOP AND LOOK AT THE PATHETIC LITTLE CRYING WIGGLER.

D: im not crying

D: i just spilt bacon grease on my cheek and it looks like a single manly tear

D: everyone shut the fuck up and eat your turkey slices

D: youll like this i actually got the machine to produce leftovers without going through the primary stage of turkey

D: hows that for an authentic christmas experience

T: C4N 1 S43SON MY TURK3Y W1TH YOUR D3L1C1OUS T34RS

D: you know what fuck it

D: its christmas

D: go right ahead

D: this counts as your present though no nancho party for you

T: 1T S33MS 1 H4V3 OUTW1TT3D MYS3LF

D: i suppose thats a way of putting it

T: 4CTU4LLY D4V3

T: 1F WH4T W3R3 DO1NG 1S PR3S3NTS

T: TH4T M4K3S 1T 4S GOOD 4 T1M3 4S 4NY FOR M3 TO R3V34L MY G1FT TO YOU

T: K4RK4T W1LL YOU P4US3 TH4T STUP1D MOV13

K: WHAT NO, IT'S JUST GETTING TO THE GOOD PART! TROLL KEIRA KNIGHTLEY 1S JUST ABOUT TO CONFESS HER UNDYING HATRED TO THE ENEMY SPY AND THEN THE PLOT REALLY KICKS INTO GEAR. IF YOU'LL JUST PAY ATTENTION

T: P4US3 1T!

K: NO.

T: G1V3 M3 TH3 R3MOT3

K: NO.

T: YOU STUBBORN PR1CK 1 W1LL K1LL 4ND 34T YOU

K: STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT ME.

T: PR3P4R3 FOR TH3 MOST THOROUGH R3MOT3 DRUBB1NG OF 4LL YOUR L1TTL3 L1F3

K: YOU CAN'T EVEN

K: OW

K: OW OW OW OW OW OW

K: OW STOP IT

K: STOP IT IT HURTS

K: STOP OW

K: OW

D: (rose is it okay to find this weirdly sexy)

R: (That's always okay, Dave.)

T: 4H H4!

T: MY TR1UMPH 1S COMPL3T3 4ND 1N4RGU4BL3. TH3 M4DD3N1NG VO1C3 H4S B33N 3T3RN4LLY S1L3NC3D.

K: GET OFF ME.

T: D1D YOU H34R TH4T? 1 D1DNT H34R 4NYTH1NG. L34ST OF 4LL TH3 1NFUR14T1NG WH1N3 OF TROLL K31R4 KN1GHTL3Y, S3R1OUSLY SH3 1S L1K3 4 POSH MOSQU1TO.

T: 4ND NOW 1 T4K3 MY R3W4RD.

T: WH1CH 1S 4CTU4LLY YOUR R3W4RD B3C4US3 1T 1S PR3S3NTS!

D: i am genuinely so pumped for this

D: least ironic ive been all year

T: D4V3

D: yeah

T: D4V3

D: yeah...

T: D4444444444V3...

T: 1S TH1S YOU

D: oh my god

D: how did you

D: that is me exactly

D: and is that you

T: WHO 3LS3 WOULD 1T B3 S1LLY!

T: 4ND H3R3 4R3 ROS3 4ND K4N4Y4 1N TH3 CORN3R

K: Oh How Nice

K: Wait What Are We Doing

D: and heres karkat

D: he appears to have fallen off a chair and hurt himself

D: its hard to tell because of the crayon but i think theres blood coming out

D: and is this sneaky old gamzee peeping through a grate in the background

G: I'M MOTHERFUCKING TOUCHED YOU THOUGHT TO INCLUDE ME

T: W3LL HOW COULD 1 FORG3T MY BUDDY G4MZ33

G: you will die last

T: 4ND TH3 S4M3 TO YOU, YOU B1G OLD KNUCL3H34D

D: but you know what makes it

D: its the frame

D: i know you just alchemized it but i will choke on a dick and die if it isnt the most ornate goddamn thing i ever saw

D: are these curlicues

D: is that what a curlicue is

K: No Really Whats Going On Back There

K: Why Cant I See Roses Hand

D: and honest to god gilt

D: you went to the trouble of getting real fake gold just for me

D: just as easy to whip up real gold but you know how i appreciate lack of quality

D: terezi this is of course the single most beautiful thing ive ever seen

T: 4R3 YOU GO1NG TO CRY MOR3 D3L1C1OUS T34RS B3C4US3 TH4T W4S 4CTU4LLY K1ND OF MY PL4N

D: no you dont cry tears of irony thats the whole goddamn point of irony

D: i am going to give you something even better

D: a subtle tip of the head to show approval

T: W3LL HOW 4M 1 SUPPOS3D TO PUT TH4T ON 4 S4NDW1CH?? >:\

D: youll manage

D: the condiment hasnt been invented that you cant find some way to sandwichfy

D: anyway im going to put this up on my bedroom wall brb

K: Wait I Just Want To Get A Closer Look At

K: Oh My God

R: What is it? Have you in some way taken offence to our artistic likenesses?

R: I don't look fat, do I? Please, God, tell me I don't look fat. I doubt very much that I could handle that.

K: No Its Actually Nothing Very Interesting At All

K: Dave I Think You Should Take The Picture Away Now

T: 3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3

R: But I'm curious now. I helped with the frame a little, but I haven't had a chance to scrutinize the artwork itself in much detail. Terezi wouldn't let me for some reason.

K: No Theres No Time For That

K: Cant Be Done

K: We Have To Uh

K: Get Back To Watching The Movie

K: YES. FINALLY SOMEONE WHO APPRECIATES THE TRUE SPIRIT OF ST PERIGEES EVE.

D: you know christmas is a much better word for it

D: like you just know it deep down in your heart

K: NO HUMAN WORD FOR ANYTHING HAS EVER BEEN BETTER THAN THE TROLL WORD FOR THAT SAME THING IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF WORDS AND THINGS AND TROLLS AND HUMANS. IT'S JUST AN IRREFUTABLE FACT OF REALITY.

K: AND WHAT'S THIS? IT SEEMS SOME CARELESS GUARDIAN OF THE SHIFTING IMAGE LONG DISTANCE COMMAND WAND, WHICH BY THE WAY IS WHAT IT'S ACTUALLY CALLED, HAS IN HER HASTE TO SHOW OFF IN THE MANNER OF A WIGGLER PROUD OF ITS FIRST BOWEL MOVEMENT THE OBSCENITY SHE SHOULD NOT LEGALLY BE PERMITTED TO CALL AN “ARTWORK” LEFT THE SACRED DEVICE LYING UNPROTECTED UPON THIS VERY COUCH.

K: AND NOW TO PRESS THE “PLAY” BUTTON. MY VICTORY IN THE ARENA OF CRITICAL TASTE IS THUS ASSURED.

K: EVERYONE PLUNK YOUR HIDEOUS BEHINDS BACK DOWN UPON THE COUCH AND FALL INTO A RESPECTFUL TRANCE WORTHY OF THE MARVELS YOU'RE HERE TO WITNESS.

K: Okay But First If Were Still Doing Presents I Have One More Thing Id Like To

K: CAN IT MARYAM.

K: But

K: NO BUTS. I'LL NOT HAVE THIS MOMENT RUINED BY ANY MORE OF YOUR INCOHERENT YAMMERING.

K: Well That Just Seems

K: SHHHH.

K: I Only Want To

K: SHHHHHHHHHH.

K: If I Could Just

K: SHHHHH. SHH. SHHHHHHHHHHH. SHHHHHH. SH. SHHH. SHHHHHHH. SHHHH. SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SH SH SH SH SH. ITS NOT A DIFFICULT CONCEPT.

K: IS EVERYONE WELL AND THOROUGHLY SHUSHED? THEY'D BETTER BE. NOT ONE MORE PEEP. NO PEEPS! THIS IS NOW OFFICIALLY A PEEP-FREE ZONE.

K: AAAAAAAAND... PLAY!

D: ...

D: peep

R: Peep.

K: Peep

T: P33P!

G: MOTHERFUCKING PEEP, YO

K: EVEN YOU, GAMZEE? EVEN YOU?

G: sometimes you make it too motherfucking easy, bro

D: terezi what are you doing

D: dont take this the wrong way but you seem to be invading a great deal of my personal space

D: and by dont take this the wrong way i mean dont think this is anything less than a calculated insult

T: 1 4M SNUGGL1NG

D: youre doing what now

T: SNUGGL1NG!

D: okay

D: no

D: gonna have to veto that

D: sorry i am a strider and the striders do not snuggle its like a family tradition i gotta uphold

T: D4V3 1 D1D NOT S4Y TH4T YOU W3R3 SNUGGL1NG

T: 1 S41D TH4T 1 W4S SNUGGL1NG

T: YOU 4R3 B31NG SNUGGL3D!

T: P3RH4PS 34RTH SNUGGL1NG 1S 4 TWO W4Y PROC3DUR3 BUT H3R3 ON TH1S M3T3OR YOU 4R3 TH3 SNUGGL33 4ND 1 4M TH3 SNUGGL3R

D: do i get a choice in the matter

T: TH4T WOULD CL34RLY B3 R1D1CULOUS

T: YOU M1GHT S4Y NO 4ND TH3N WH3R3 WOULD 1 B3

K: ENOUGH OF THIS. AS THE OFFICAL CURATOR OF THIS FILM I HEREBY DECLARE “SNUGGLING” TO BE OFF-LIMITS ON PAIN OF EXPULSION FROM THE AUDIENCE. IT'S DISTRACTING AND INCONSIDERATE OF YOUR FELLOW VIEWERS.

D: oh well if karkat doesnt like it i guess it must be okay

T: >:D

K: Yes We Are All Sitting Rather Close Arent We

K: In Fact I Seem To Be Feeling Rather Sleepy

K: I Might Just Yawn Hugely And Conspicuously And Stretch My Arms Up Like This

K: Yawn

K: Oh Dear It Seems That One Of Them Happens To Have Fallen Across The Back Of The Chair I Might Just Slide It Down A Tad In Order To Feel More Comfortable

R: Oh, I'm sorry, Kanaya, am I in your way? I didn't mean to inconvenience you.

R: Here, I'll move.

K:Oh

K: Yes Um

K: Thank You

K: Thats Very Considerate

R: You can sit next to Karkat. He's shorter, so your arm is less likely to bump into him.

K: How Thoughtful Of You

K: This Is Much Nicer Yes

K: WELL THANK FUCK WE'VE ALL FIGURED OUT HOW TO SIT ON A SOFA TOGETHER. I THOUGHT THE COMBINED FORCE OF OUR MUTUAL RETARDATION MIGHT BE TO GREAT TO PERMIT IT.

K: WE'D ALL COLLAPSE TOGETHER INTO A RIDICULOUS LIMB TANGLE AND FLAIL AROUND USELESSLY LIKE SWIMBEASTS OUT OF WATER OR CLINICALLY DIAGNOSED MORONS ON THE DAY THEY ESCAPED FROM THE NURSING HOME. THAT WAS MY EXPECTATION OF HOW THIS EVENING WOULD GO.

K: DO YOU THINK NOW THAT WE'VE MANAGED TO ALL ARRANGE OURSELVES IN AN APPROXIMATELY UPRIGHT POSITION WE COULD FINALLY GET AROUND TO WATCHING THE FILM? WE'VE BARELY MADE IT PAST THE CREDITS.

D: were like twenty minutes in

D: shouldnt we be coming up on the second act

D: acts are a movie thing i know about that

K: WELL I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOUR EARTH CINEMA DAVE HUMAN STRIDER BUT ON ALTERNIA WE HAVE A LITTLE THING CALLED “PACING”.

K: MAYBE YOU JUST PLUNGE STRAIGHT INTO THE NARRATIVE WITHOUT CONSIDERATION OF SUCH THINGS AS SETTING THE SCENE AND BUILDING TENSION BUT ON ALTERNIA WE UNDERSTAND THAT SUCH THINGS TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF TIME.

K: MAYBE GROW THE FUCK UP AND DEVELOP MORE PATIENCE THAN THAT POSSESSED BY A SWEEP-OLD WIGGLER HAVING A TEMPER TANTRUM? JUST A POSSIBILITY.

D: dude

D: how long is this movie

K: I DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION. YOU'RE MUCH BETTER OFF COMING TO APPRECIATE IT ORGANICALLY.

D: i think youll find

D: if you consider it a moment

D: that you do actually have to answer the question

K: LISTEN WE'VE BARELY SET UP THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE UP-AND-COMING YOUNG RUSTBLOOD AND THE HIGH KILLONEL OF THE IMPERIAL FLEET

R: I'm beginning to wonder myself.

K: NOT TO MENTION THE HILARIOUS RUNNING JOKE WITH THE FLOWERPOT

K: It Should Be Written On The Underbelly Of The Grub

K: LET GO OF THAT AT ONCE.

K: WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO TOUCH PEOPLE'S STUFF, IT'S A REALLY UNAPPEALING CHARACTERISTIC.

T: 1T 1S MY GRUB 1 H4V3 CL41M3D 1T 1N TH3 N4M3 OF TH3 3MP1R3

T: 4ND 1T S4YS

T: …

T: K4RK4T D1D YOU R34LLY TH1NK TH1S W4S GO1NG TO WORK

K: LISTEN ONCE YOU GET PAST THE FIRST HOUR YOU'RE SO ENGROSSED YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE THE TIME.

K: IT'S JUST THAT GRIPPING. WHY WON'T ANYBODY BELIEVE ME.

K: GUYS I KNOW A LOT ABOUT FILM. SERIOUSLY. YOU HAVE TO START TAKING MY WORD ON THINGS LIKE THIS.

D: so who wants to watch die hard

R: Yes please.

G: DONE AND MOTHERFUCKING DUSTED

K: Im Kind Of Interested To Watch A Human Film That Doesnt Have A Direct Troll Equivalent

K: Its Surprising How Rare That Happens

D: die hard is unique across all timelines

D: like lil cal or nicolas cage

D: hmmm

T: 1 W1LL W4TCH WH4T3V3R F1LM H4S TH3 MOST 3XPLOS1ONS 1N 1T

T: 1 ST1LL DONT UND3RST4ND WHY HUM4N MOV13S DONT 1NCLUD3 TH4T 4LL IMPORT4NT D3T41L 1N TH3 T1TL3

K: YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE THEM. WHAT THE HELL KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THIS.

T: 1 L1K3 TH3 F1R3 1T 1S SP1CY 4ND PUNG3NT 1N 4N ODDLY CH3M1CAL SORT OF W4Y

T: 3X4CTLY...

T: L1K3 N4CHO CH33S3 DORITOS?

T: HOLY SH1T YOUR SP3C13S R34LLY 1S 3XC3PT1ON4L

T: ON3 D4Y 1 W1LL H4V3 TO CONQU3R YOU 4LL FOR 1MP3R14L GLORY 4ND PUT YOU TO WORK 1N TH3 N4CHO M1N3S

D: not where nacho comes from

T: S1L3NC3 SL4V3

T: WHO L3T YOU OUT OF TH3 N4CHO M1N3S

T: YOU 4R3 4SK1NG FOR 4NOTH3R CONQU3R1NG

D: you couldnt conquer a very old man whose forgotten his glasses

T: OH 4 SM4RT GUY HUH

T: PR3P4R3 FOR TH3 CON3QUR1NG OF 4 L1F3T1M3

D: you couldnt conquer a bunch of really stoned guys who cant stop looking at their hands

T: YOU TH1NK YOUR3 SO CL3V3R W1TH 4LL YOUR3 TR4SH T4LK

T: 3V3RY WORD OUT OF YOUR3 MOUTH 1S 4NOTH3R S1X MONTHS 1N TH3 FL4VOUR P1T

D: you couldnt conquer a tween with asthma

T: DO YOU W4NT TH4T N4NCHO LUNG D4V3

T: 1TS NO L4UGH1NG M4TT3R

T: 1V3 S33N STRONG3R M3N TH4N YOU WH33Z3 TH3MS3LV3S TO D34TH TH31R TUB3S 4LL CLOGG3D W1TH CH33S3 DUST 4ND TH3 WH1T3S OF TH31R 3Y3S TURN3D S1CKLY OR4NG3

D: you couldnt conquer a a sleepy toddler if you had a glass of warm milk

T: TH4T 1S TH3 L4ST STR4W D4V3

T: PR3P4R3 YOURS3LF FOR 4N 4LL OUT 4SS4ULT TH3 ONLY POSS1BL3 R3SULT OF WH1CH 1S TOT4L 4ND 1RR3V3RS1BL3 CULTUR4L G3NOC1D3

T: 4TT4CK!!

D: terezi youre confused

D: this isnt conquering this is cuddling

T: TH1S 1S ONLY TH3 F1RST ST4G3 OF MY M4ST3R PL4N

K: IS THE SECOND STAGE TO DRIVE ME TO SUICIDE.

T: Y3S

K: GOOD BECAUSE IT'S WORKING. IF NO-ONE MINDS I'M GOING TO GO HURL MYSELF INTO THE VOID IN PROTEST AGAINST YOUR COMPLETE AESTHETIC IGNORANCE. CONSIDER YOURSELVES FREE OF ME FOREVER.  
K: Aw Hang On Karkat

K: You Just Have To Understand

K: Not Everyone Loves Romantic Comedies As Much As You

K: And Thats Okay It Takes All Kinds To Make A World

K: DOES IT HAVE TO TAKE SO MANY ASSHOLES THOUGH? THAT'S ALWAYS BEEN MY QUESTION.

K: We Can Watch Hate Actually Another Time

K: Maybe In Bits And Pieces Like Over The Course Of A Week

K: But For Now I Think Were Going To Watch This Die Hard Movie And Personally Id Appreciate It If Youd Stay Here And Watch It With Us

K: YOU DON'T DESERVE ME.

K: Dont Be Like That

R: She's right, you know.

R: I know we like to give you a hard time, Karkat, but the truth is that Christmas wouldn't feel complete without you. We really do value your friendship, you know.

K: OH YOU DO, REALLY.

K: IS THAT WHY I'M THE ONLY PERSON WHO DIDN'T GET A PRESENT.

R: That's not true!

R: Gamzee didn't get a present!

G: i don't motherfucking count, you all wish i was motherfucking dead

G: AND I CAN'T HARDLY MOTHERFUCKING BLAME YOU, I'M A REPREHENSIBLE MOTHERFUCKING DUDE.

K: GAMZEE GOT A PRESENT. FROM ME. I GAVE HIM A PRESENT EARLIER BECAUSE HES MY BEST FRIEND AND I CARE ABOUT HIM.

K: HE DIDN'T GET ME ANYTHING IN RETURN BECAUSE HE'S AN INSANE CIRCUS FREAK. I UNDERSTAND THAT AND I RESPECT HIS DECISION.

K: BUT YOU ALL COULD HAVE AT LEAST MADE AN EFFORT.

R: Karkat, I'm so sorry.

R: I was so preoccupied with making Kanaya's scarf and Dave's skateboard that I didn't even think about what I was going to get for anyone else. I can't apologize enough on behalf of all of us.

D: hang on

D: what do you mean all of us

R: Dave, I know you don't like Karkat much but you could at least see fit to say sorry for not getting him a Christmas present.

D: no thats what i mean

D: what makes you think i didnt get him a christmas present

K: HUH?

D: dude yours is the best present of all

K: IS THIS SOME KIND OF CRUEL JOKE AT MY EXPENSE.

D: only insofar as the whole universe is

K: HOW COME YOU'RE ONLY JUST SHOWING IT TO ME NOW.

D: you didnt want to do presents you wanted to do movies

D: i could hardly interrupt your own schedule in order to foist unwanted gifts on you that would have had the opposite of the desired effect

D: check this out

K: …

K: IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS.

D: i dunno

D: what do you think it is

K: THERE IS NO WAY.

K: NO. WAY.

K: THAT YOU GOT TROLL WILL SMITH TO ACTUALLY SIGN THIS.

D: alchemizers can do pretty much anything these days

D: i chucked one of your spare sickles in with a poster and bobs your uncle

D: bob lives in bel air with your aunt btw youre moving in with him say goodbye to west trolladelphia

D: anyway i cant vouch for like its literal exact authenticity but its at the very least a precise replica

D: and sharp as roses tongue i actually cut myself more than once in pursuit of this wonderful treasure

D: just wanna be clear about this

D: i literally spilt blood in the name of getting you a present

D: so are you going to watch die hard with us or what

K: …

K: FINE.

K: BUT I GET TO TALK OVER THE BORING PARTS.

D: not a problem

D: its die hard

D: there are in fact no boring parts

D: now sit your wee little butt back down and prepare to enjoy the show

 

-

 

K: DAVE.

D: yes karkat

K: THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER.

D: i know karkat

D: i know


End file.
